Monday, December 12, 2005 @ 11:42 PM
today started out with a late morning. i woke up at 1+ and i used the comp. my mum returned around 3.30 pm and we were supposed to visit my grandpa. but because i've got jamming session, i can't go. i told my mum about it.
she scolded me and said i had to go.
i shouted back.
oh God. i'm sinful. i really need you to teach me how to be slow in speech and quick in thinking. she was right. i should visit my grandpa. but usually, my mum won't be angry at this kind of thing. so something big must have happened. but i choose to stop thinking and i shut the door at her face. i was angry because i had made appointment with the people.
then God spoke to me about it. am i doing the right thing? i wasn't. besides, my mum scolded me, and it only shows how much she's worried about grandpa. on that point of time, i knew my grandpa was in hospital, and got into coma, but he woke up and i thought it was okay. but God told me no excuse. and i repented. i felt sorrowful and ashamed at my manners towards my mum. then i changed and i told my mum i'll go with her, and i sorta asked desmond and the others to wait for me.
then i went to the hospital with my mum. during travelling time, i asked my mum how was grandpa.
he was in ICU.
i never liked my grandpa, and was never closed to him, but i felt so hurt during that time. and i felt even more sorrowful and shameful of my previous behavior. and i realized how weak i am.
i cried, but i wiped my tears away immediately, didnt want my mum to see. 'cause i know she'll cry too if she saw me crying.
i went there and i saw my grandpa. he was one so overweight and strong and fierce looking. now, lying on the bed, was an weak old man, all skinny and tiny, with tubes all around him.
his condition was okayy already. except he kept trying to pull off the tubes, 'cause he hated them. but we can't let him do that. he can't breathe without it. they had to give him jabs to stop him from doing anything foolish.
at that point of time, even though he was fine, i cried again. but i wiped my tears again. and i asked God, why? why do this to him?
God, please, forgive him of all his sins and heal him.
i prayed for him.
i know God is going to heal him. i know He is. and i hope my grandpa and my parents will believe it's God. (:
but i really realized how sinful i was, and how much i really need God. i will humble myself before Him and allow Him to use me. and i pray that i can be sensitive towards the Holy Spirit. (:
anyways- i met the guys and the sisters(harhar) and we jammed. had lots of fun. but i can't help thinking of certain things. and i was thinking- man, God, you sure have a lot of faith in me. more faith that i have in myself, that you believed that i will be able to pass all the testings that you've set before me right now. in case no one knows, i'm facing many problems now. they are not very bad, but i know God is testing me. by faith, i'll overcome them with Him. (:
and my new sheep is more encouraged now! (: she's bringing a friend for service! YAY! (:
i love my life.